Mass Defect
by Subject 0
Summary: When the Illusive Man blew all of Cerberus' funds on his fancy sun screensaver, budget cuts had to be made. Starting with the Lazarus Project. With nowhere left to go, Humanity turned to its greatest B-grade hero: Conrad Verner. Crackfic.


Hey there. This is just a story I wrote a while ago, but never really got to uploading. Not sure how long the story will be, but I've got some ideas planned out! Anyways, just one quick note before I start. Most of the characters in this story aren't portrayed all that accurately for humor's sake. Some of them are, but some of them are going to be waaaaay out of character. Just a heads up for future chapters that will (most likely) start getting really weird. Thanks for reading, and I hope you enjoy!

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><p><strong>MASS DEFECT<strong>

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><p><strong>CHAPTER 1<strong>

They were at war. Whether or not they wanted to believe it, Humanity stood under attack from the greatest threat in its brief existence. And it was up to one specific man in the galaxy to challenge that threat and prevail.

The man was an enigma with sleek comb-cropped grey hair, a groused voice, and a pair of luminescent steely blue eyes. He was composed, relaxed, cold, and impossible to read – it could have been no one else save the Illusive Man.

Casually twiddling the burning cigar between the gaps of his fingers, he straightened his arm along his seat, his gaze fixated on the burning star in front of him. "Isn't it beautiful, Miranda?" he hushed, admiring the way the light refracted off the glass, painting the corners of his room a tinge of dark orange. "To think that truly, we are all just dust from the stars. That something as majestic, something as grand, something as mysterious as this produced us, a race tha-"

"Um, sir," Miranda humbly interrupted.

The Illusive Man shot Miranda an accusatory glance, but gestured a nod of the head to signify his approval. "Speak."

The Cerberus officer coughed to clear her throat, then stared down at her holo-tablet. "We uh… we may have a problem. Financially."

The Illusive Man dismissed her claim with a wave of the hand. "A minor setback. Once we've revived Shepard, we can…"

"Er, actually, Shepard _is _the problem, sir."

He stared at her and raised an eyebrow curiously. "Excuse me?"

"Well, according to our funds, we only have 800 million credits behind Shepard at the moment, and the estimated cost of the Lazarus Project is 2.4 billion."

"What happened to our donations last month? Check the charts," he ordered snappily.

"I already have, sir."

"And?"

She pondered whether or not she should speak up.

"And?" The Illusive Man pressed again, his voice harshening.

Miranda scrambled to a response. "Well, it seems that we received 6.5 billion credits in the last fiscal year, 5.5 billion of which was spent on a… certain luxury." She tried her best to dodge telling him outright.

"What sort of luxury, Miranda?" he inquired as he put out his cigarette, mashing the head into his ash tray. "I don't give out holiday bonuses. You know that. I want to know where my money went, and what it was used…"

"It was on your screensaver, sir," she blurted out bluntly.

The Illusive Man blinked. He looked stunned for a moment, but then hardened his gaze, his cold stare narrowing on his top lieutenant. "Screensaver? What are you talking about?"

Miranda blinked. She stared at him dumbfoundedly, and then at the massive image of the star sitting in front of him.

As if understanding what the movement of her head meant, he retaliated, "That is not a screensaver, _Miran-duh_," his eyes glazing over at the second half of her name. He matter-of-factly continued, "That is a highly advanced star that I had built personally for my pleasure, which just so happened to cost only 2.5 billion credits."

"Sir, you don't have to lie to me."

"I am not _lying_. Do not presume to understand my motives, Miranda. You may be my best lieutenant, but you…"

"I have the receipt from Bed Bath and Beyond, sir."

He exhaled sharply and struggled to come up with a response. "A minor complication. I set up a decoy account that used Bed Bath and Beyond as a proxy when really I purchased the star from…"

"Sir, I was there when you bought the screensaver. You kept asking the receptionist whether or not they had it in blue too."

He stared at her blankly, and she stared back. Eventually Miranda found it too awkward to look him in the eyes and averted her gaze to the floor, tapping her foot against the ground as she patiently waited for a response. "So…"

"It was a necessary good, despite costing an exorbitant amount of money. We will have to suspend the Lazarus Project." He lit another cigarette and placed it between his lips, then nonchalantly blew out a stream of smoke. "Just as I had planned."

"Sir, are you sure that's the wisest course of action we should take? I still have the receipt. We could still reimburse our losses and possibly salvage the Project."

"Miranda, could I see that receipt?" the Illusive Man asked politely.

"Of course." She handed it over to him, a slight look of confusion on her face.

"Thank you." Taking the receipt by the base, he flipped it upside down and tore it in half, then ripped apart what was left. He sprinkled the shreds in his ash tray and took another smoke. "Oops."

"What on Earth did you do that for?" shouted Miranda, crossing her arms over her chest.

"It's all part of the plan, Miranda," he reassured, crossing one leg over the other.

"What do you mean all part of the plan?"

He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth. "Tsk tsk tsk. Miranda. You see so linearly. You can't possibly begin to understand the complex plan I've laid out."

"If you just explained it to me perhaps I…"

"Shhhhh," The Illusive Man shushed, putting his index finger between her lips to silence her. "No more questions. All you have to know is that things are going just as I had planned. We don't need Shepard anymore. We have another."

Miranda rolled her eyes. "And just who is...?"She felt The Illusive Man push his finger against her lips again, to which she snatched his wrist and set it aside. "Damn it, would you please just answer my question?"

The Illusive Man ignored her question and brought up a holographic screen, his fingers moving nimbly across the keyboard. "A man, Miranda. A man with a caliber equal to that of Shepard's. We will surround him with the brightest, the toughest, the deadliest allies we can find." He began to pull up dossiers one by one, his eyes scanning over every detail of information they passed.

Miranda blinked. A man with a caliber equal to Shepard's? Was that even possible? "I beg your pardon, sir, but who is this man?" she asked incredulously.

The Illusive Man paused, a sly smile crossing his countenance. "The best chance Humanity has." He pulled up the profile of the man in question and shifted in his seat, settling his chin just over the backs of his hands. "The best chance the _galaxy_ has…" He pulled up a vid of the man and sat back, eager to show Miranda his prowess.

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><p>"Those are some nice model ships you've got," said a man. He was no taller than 5'6", had blonde hair to his ears, and was beginning to develop a patch of fuzz on his upper lip. Scratching the bottom of his chin as he leaned over the counter, he asked, "How much?"<p>

The asari storekeeper shot him a puzzled glance. Trying her best to act professional, she replied, "Erm, that depends? Which one would you like to purchase? We have them on sale today, buy one get one of the same type free."

He considered the proposition, a pensive look on his face. "Hmmm. Not a bad deal, not a bad deal at all." He placed his palms flat on the counter and said, "Tell you what, how would you like an endorsement from a former N7 Spectre? Free of charge if you just throw a little discount my way. That sound good?"

The asari's eyes widened. "You were a former Spectre? Oh my, I didn't think they quit! Of course! I-I'd love to have your endorsement! Just say your name and speak into the recording." She pressed a button and expectantly waited for him to speak up.

The man grinned beneath his poker face and smoothly said, "I'm Conrad Verner, and this is my favorite store on the..."

**"CONRAD!"**

Glancing over his shoulder, he caught sight of a rather globular volus, who was waddling his way towards him. "Oh shit," he swore under his breath, raising his shoulders to try and keep his face hidden at an angle.

"Conrad! Tssst! You filthy clanless liar! Tssst!"

"Excuse me sir, what seems to be the problem?" the asari desk manager asked, shooting the plump volus a stern look.

At that moment, Conrad's body went stiff. He was sure he'd been found out. Pretending to be a Spectre was a capital offense. He summoned what was left of his courage and said, "Don't listen to him sweetie, he's just..."

"You lied to me!" the volus roared.

"Look, it was just an...!"

"You told _me _that my store was your favorite on the Citadel!"

Wait... what?

"Giving false endorsements to more than one shop? How can you even call yourself a man! Tssst!" The volus shook his head in shame.

"Wait, so you're just _prancing_ around the Citadel, giving out endorsements_ just_ so you can get a better deal on prices?" the asari muttered in disgust. "What kind of a person does that!"

"Well, that's not exactly..." A crowd began to form around the shop, commotion settling over the turbulence.

"Hey, that's the same man that owes me money!" one of the onlookers shouted.

Another volus, seeing it as an opportunity to profit, shouted, "Uh, yes! That clanless stole my credit chit!"

"Wait, I didn't do any of...!" But it was too late. The crowd began to engulf him in a sea of accusations.

"He burned my house down!"

"He killed my wife!"

"He stole my heart!"

The noise built layer upon layer upon layer, until at last Conrad Verner's lone voice had been drowned by the boisterous din of the mob.

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><p>"So. That's the man who's going to save the galaxy?" She threw her hands in the air and sighed. "Great. Just great. We're all doomed."<p>

"I wouldn't be so certain, Miranda," The Illusive Man said confidently in his crisp, baritone voice.

"And what's not to be certain about? The man clearly has no combat training. He's not a leader, he's not a biotic, and he's not even a Spectre. He's a man with the delusional fantasies of a child. He's afraid of even the slightest confrontation. A sign of danger, and he's weak in the knees. For God's sakes, he was terrified of a _volus. _There's nothing he'll be able to hurdle."

"Then we'll just have..." The Illusive Man paused and slipped on a pair of sunglasses. "To help him get over it."

"Oh God..." Miranda palmed a hand over her face. "You really don't care, do you?"

"In case you haven't already figured it out Miranda..." He put on another pair of sunglasses. "I'm inclined to lay back."

"I'm going to leave now."

"That's fine. I'll just..." Another pair. "Leaf you alone."

"That wasn't even a pun."

"How..." Pair. "Punny."

"God help us all."


End file.
